Christian Clowns Receive Whitehouse and Vatican Recognition Despite a Propensity to Make Really Frickin' Scary "Balloon Animals"

The White House Office of Faith Based Big Dollar Cash Handouts has approved an $800,000 grant application from Kristian Klownz Korrectional Enterprises, Inc.

“This is a faith-based and privatization partnership at its finest,” said Conrad "Connie" Whackensuk, recently appointed by George W. Bush to be Director of the Whitehouse Office of Faith-based Boondoggling.
Rev. Verle Smegma’s brother, Sheriff Vermin Smegma, will "spearhead," as he puts it, abstinence-only educational programs in the Flatulence County Juvenile Detention Center, Flatulence Flats, Kansas. Sheriff Smegma is a part time Cristian Clown and a life member of the Kristian Klownz for Keericed and the Brotherhood of Sacred Gospel Clowns of the Holy Tabernacle. rory calls for a smoking gun investigation of this shit. This is the second Smegma to obtain one of these faith-based abstinence grants.

Upon learning of this latest Smegma grant, rory decided to do some cursory research into the world of Gospel clowning. What rory found is pretty frickin' disturbing. Christian clowning is bigger than rory would've believed, with not only the Whitehouse, but the Vatican involved, as well. The highest ranking Federal Christian clown, Whackensuk, also known as "Konnie the Kristian Klown,' a former SWAT officer, recently met with the Pope to discuss plans for International Blastula Day and Blastula Fest 2006. While Konnie's meeting with Pope was a high-security affair, the Pope saw to it that the following photo with a different clown was posted on the Vatican web site:




rory sez: Friends, some have asked to be warned when rory is about to display particularly disturbing material in this blog. Well, I'm warnin' you, the images that follow are not for the faint of heart. And those suffering from coulrophobia should exit this blog immediately.

Grace Chapel Evangelical Clown Ministry Page from whence the above came

Holy Frickin' Klownz!

After viewing the Gospel Clown balloon animal photos, perhaps it is reassuring to learn that some Christian Clown authorities contend that ""the clown is asexual.""

This picture of Stevie Weevie some Christian Clown scholars would argue seems to support this contention, although rory has to frickin' point out that he doesn't think "asexual" is exactly the same thing as "hermaphroditic" in appearance.

Asexual, balloon-pecker bendin' clowns do have rules to keep them in check. The world of Gospel clowning is governed not only by the Ten Commandments, but by the Commandments of Clowning. This commandment is particularly disturbing:

"I will remove my makeup and change into my street clothes as soon as possible following my appearance, so that I cannot be associated with any incident that may be detrimental to the good name of clowning. I will conduct myself as a gentleman/lady at all times."

rory sez: Here we go with that hermaphrodite shit again. A Christian clown has to conduct himself as a "gentleman/lady." Again, they are confused about "asexuality." Hell, they're just confused about sexuality in its entirety, as their perseveration on construction of balloon genetalia demonstrates. Furthermore, most of them are avowed anti-homosexuals. And you know what else rory finds pretty damn disturbing? How many frickin' professions outside of Christian clowning do you know of where those in the know assume there are going to be incidents that that may be "detrimental to the good name of the profession" immediately after work and that because the likelihood of "incidents" is high, all signs of one's profession must be hidden immediately upon completion of work. What sorts of incidents are Christian clowns likely to be involved in that would bring shame on the profession of clowning rory wonderz? I suppose that making some of those "balloon animals" outside the fence of the local middle school when not actually engaged in an official gospel clown performance could constitute an "incident" under certain circumstances.

And of course, alcohol abuse is apparently rampant among Christian clowns. Hence the following commandment requiring them to pledge to at least lay off the sauce at critical times:

"I will neither drink alcoholic beverages nor smoke while in makeup or clown costume. Also, I will not drink alcoholic beverages prior to any clown appearances."

rory has heard rumors about gospel clowns on meth. The young 'uns sure as shit don't want to be around when THEY start making balloon animals.

The Clown Commandments!

And yes kind readers, Blastulafest is for real. This will actually be its second year.



Finally a search for muslim clowns revealed nothing but images of muslim attacks on perhaps the ultimate Christian Clown Icon: Ronald McDonald. rory predictz: expect to see more attacks on Christian Clown Effigies in the future as evangelical clowning spreads around the globe. The backlash is predictible, especially with repeated references in the Whitehouse to Gospel Clown Crusades. Given this, I think we can expect to see Ronald burning in the streets on a regular basis. Why Ronald? Because he is there: A sort of ready-made Gospel Clown effigy.

and commentary on the Ronald Burning

Already there is talk in Washington of a clown-burning amendment and about construction of Federally funded Gospel Klown Akademies in New Orleans and Iraq.

Postscript
Rory wonders whether this dude was wearing clown makeup or garb when he did it:
Rev. William Peckerwood [name altered], of Springfield, Illinois, known nationally for his work with the poor and homeless through Contact Ministries, pleaded guilty to two felony counts of aggravated criminal sexual abuse and a reduced misdemeanor charge of sexually abusing a 14 year old boy. The victim, a ward of the state, reported the abuse on January 1, 1986. He was then "wired" to secretly tape-record conversations with the minister, which led to Peckerwood's arrest on January 5. Peckerwood also founded the HOLY FOOLS CLOWN MINISTRY, which has chapters all over the nation. Although Peckerwood could have received three to seven years imprisonment for the felony charges, he was given only four years' probation, and was sentenced to a year in jail for the misdemeanor charge. (Sources: [Alton, Illinois] Telegraph, 12/3/87; Peoria Journal Star, 1/7/88)

What the fuck is it with preachers and child molestation?

rory wonderz: should this guy be allowed to make balloon animals for kids?

Disclaimer: rory in no way is suggesting that any of those depicted in this satirical post which parodies gospel clowning are themselves actually kiddie diddlers, child molesters, perverts or crooks in general, with the exception of the clown on fire in the bottom picture. In the case of the ballon benders, rory is merely stating an opinion that what is depicted is a likeness of a pecker. This in no way suggests that the intent of the clowns in the pictures was to actually make a balloon pecker. It's just that what they made does look like a balloon pecker to rory. Know what I mean?