Homeland Security Announces War On Avian Bioterror: Swans Already Hit With Pre-emptive Airstrikes to Stop Avian Flu

Reeling from accusations of indifference and incompetence after the heated hurricane Katrina hearings this past week, the Department of Homeland Security has announced that it is considering Avian Influenza a matter of bioterrorism. Michael Jackson, Deputy Secretary of Homeland Security, announced that all necessary force will be used to stop migratory birds from approaching critical infrastructure, such as poultry farms. Jackson said, "possibly the only valid point made by FEMA's former head this past week is that if the levee had gone down because of terrorists, the response would have been sure, swift, and deadly." [Ed. Note: rory sez ... the response was deadly, man].

"From here on we will address terrorism as terrorism, whether it comes from man or nature. The war against the Avian Influenza Terror is going to be long and costly, but we will win. This virus and the birds that carry it care nothing for human life. We in turn, must be ruthless and steadfast in our response," Jackson added.

Recall, Brown's statement to Congress was as follows:
"If we'd confirmed that a terrorist had blown up the 17th St. Canal levee, then everybody would have jumped all over that and been trying to do everything they could ... But because this was a natural disaster, that has become the stepchild within the Department of Homeland Security."



Jackson announced establishment of a new Assistant Deputy Undersecretary of Homeland Security for Ornithological Counter Operations (OCA). President Bush appointed Lyle "Tink" Manatee, a 22 year-old former Bush campaign worker and President of his college's chapter of Southern Baptist; Anti-Abortion; Pro-War; Privileged White Males against Affirmative Action, Premarital Sex, Gay Marriage, Homosexuality Itself, and Cloning; With No Frickin Concept of or Interest In What Life is For Most People Out There (SBAAPWPWMAAAPSGMHICWNFCIIWLFMPOT). Michael Jackson said, "Tink Manatee brings professionalism, dedication, and faith-based will to kill terrorists -- be they birds or humans -- to the table. Tink is an avid bird hunter and a damn good skeet shooter. Why he and Mr. Cheney have gone Quail hunting together. Tink knows firsthand what it's like to be in combat with birds."

Meanwhile the President announced that he had ordered the first strikes against a group of swans in Greece. "We are happy to announce that the Greek government is with us in this fight. This morning, on my orders, we struck at mixed flock of various waterfowl and Swans, known carriers of the terrible H5N1 virus that kills humans indiscrimi ... criminately. The results were devastating. The flock was completely eradcated. Let me show you picture of what the people over at Homeland Security and the Department of Defense are calling GO ... er ADNADS, for Air Detonating Napalm Avian Devastation System as it took out this cell of infected swans:





The President stated: "We will hunt down every last migratory bird that might possibly carry this deadly, cruel, freedom-hating virus. We will smoke them out of their nests. We will kill them on land, on water, and in the air. This administration will use all necessary force to stop the avian influenza pandemic. Today, I declare war on migratory birds, the feathered terrorists. God Bless the United States."