Call for repression of internet depictions of "balloon animals" bearing no resemblance to any known species baffled rory at first
what the fuck is this guy's problem? rory wondered. so rory decided to check into the issue. hfs, roryz not entirely sure he agrees with the calls for censorship, but at least he knows what the fuckwad in the preceding picture is talking about. some of the results of roryz investigation of internet depictions of what appear to be obscene "balloon animals" follow.
please be advised that coulrophobics should depart this post immediately. roryz pretty sure he frickin' traumatized himself by viewing some of what is to follow. for the strong of stomach, here goes:
Some sort of inappropriate klown kama sutra demonstration? Is the clown about to "hurt" the trouser snake?
Species depicted by this "balloon animal?" White wonder worm? roryz already having bad dreams 'bout this one and he ain't even asleep.
Klown might claim it's a "buccaneer's sword;" however, it bears a striking resemblance to the "black mamba."
Where the fuck is the clown's other hand? Why is he thrusting the red latex dolphin at the viewer? And what the fuck do the rest of the balloons here represent? rory feelz a little queezy lookin' at this.
balloon animals suggestive of acts of copulation are to be outlawed under the proposed legislation:
the next picture is not for the frickin' faint of heart. although roryz a first amendment freak, he has to question whether this goes too far. this one will haunt rory for the rest of his days, rory fearz. should this even be allowed?
maybe this'll help me decide whether to support a complete ban on obscene "balloon animal" depictions on the internet. If you would be so kind, and if you frickin' feel like it, please respond to the rory poll question. Do you find the following image more, less or equally disturbing than the preceding image?
let rory close with a public service announcement. there is help out there for coulrophobics.
disclaimer to any klownz offended: the above is frickin' satire, or somethin' like that. and in roryz OPINION the "balloon animals" in question appear to be obscene.
posted by Rory Shock at 5:41 PM
21 Comments:
i will never forgive you for this posting dearest mr shock. i have one of my favorite outfits on today and i effing spit coffee ALL OVER IT, not just ONCE but THREE EFFING TIMES
i know you probably think it's MY fault that i read and drink coffee at the same time. WELL IT'S NOT. it's YOUR fault!
i want to know mr shock, how the HELL much research did you have to do to get ALL of those obscene pictures? i know my words so far have been a bit on the harsh side but now i will thank you for warning this poor lass some of the pictures might be hard to ummmmmm shall we say, swallow?
ha! that douche bag in the first picture is my very own senator Kent conrad. keeping kids safe by not letting adults jerk off to porn. nice work dipshit
This is terrifying! Shocking and obscene! I'm already having nightmares and I'm not even asleep!
For years, we have had to put up with a LOT from the clowns. But now they have gone too far. How much are we expected to stand?!?!
And who's going to tell them to stop?? NOT ME!!!! Those are the scariest clowns I've ever seen!!!!
PARENTS: Talk to your children about clowns with balloons!
PS. This one almost made me spit my coffee all over the computer. Rory, if you cause me to ruin my computer, I'm going to hire a clown to come to your house.
I feel the real problem here is the lack of ballon vaginas. After without those all these balloon phaluses just end up sword fighting.
Taking isaroseisa's lead:
Jeez rory. Lots of coffee spitting. Don't these people suck their iced-latte-mocha-espresso-whiz-dingers through straws? Heavens.
Anyway, when these wanky, limp-n-wiggly suburban clowns start being stiff, hardkore klowns and performing the Cherokee Booger Dance, then these pudsmacking hypersensitive uberchristians might have something worthy to say. But then again, it would be a sane society if Booger Dancing were a regular part of life...hence eliminating such goobers from being taken so seriously.
*On a more serious note, a little squeaking marmoset and I were once talking about the more obnoxious wing of feminism once. I quickly stood erect in a military pose and she said playfully: "why are you standing so straight? Quit being so...PHALLIC!"
Keep it up...
(badum ching!)
I have to admit you had me a wee bit nervous at the beginning, Rory, but the educational merit made it worth scrolling down.
Regarding your question: "Do you find the following image more, less or equally disturbing than the preceding image?" Definitely more disturbing!
I find all of the images equally disturbing! Thank you for bringing this to our attention. I did not realize before the porn that was being displayed right under my nose! Why, a balloon pervert was recently at my kids' school carnival giving away these obscene things, and I never thought a THING about it! I shudder to think of it now. My innocent children. Those nasty balloons! Thank you again, Rory. (P.S. I have always had a fear of clowns, and now I am beginning to understand it. It's like Oprah says, you should listen to that voice of intuition or that voice in your head...or whatever the hell she says. The thing is, my subconscious mind was TRYING to WARN me about the clowns).
(gulp) Left of Center re: "lack of balloon vaginas" ... at the risk of totally going off the crude-meter scale, may I point out that vaginas are phalluses, just turned inside out?
and perhaps rory can explain why so many of the balloon phalluses have gone so far as to include the full 3-piece set? D.K.
Oh, and I was calling Kent conrad a dipshit, not you
More disturbing is our Laura. I'd take a balloon weenie anyday to her plastic smile.
these clowns are truly the stuff of nightmares ... and to think that we expose children to clowns thinking that they are "fun" or "funny" ... I had a nightmare the other night about a former priest-turned vaccum cleaner salesman-turned evangelical clown-- who looked and sounded like W -- I woke up screaming --- wondering where the justice was ---
rose forgive me please I know no what I've posted ...
your comment is hilarious
graeme: I was hoping you'd see this post since the first picture is of a north dickotan (not a north DAKOTAN like you)
gugon (and rose) rory is contemplating production of a coffee-spitting-computer-protection-bib -- gugon has raised a liability issue that gives rory pause -- or perhaps a coffee-spewing insurance policy would be in order .... speaking of silly insurance ... I swear this is true: one time a functionary in office depot tried to sell me insurance on a 33 dollar folding table I was buying ... rory asked why the fuck they weren't offering insurance on the fance 3 dollar mechanical pencil he was buying ... they looked at him with a blank expression ... rory asked them what the fuck might happen to the table that would require a separate insurance policy ... they looked at him with a blank expression --- so maybe the company that offers table insurance would offer coffee-spewing insurance --
left of center ... I was contemplating your comment deeply when DK made an interesting observation ... hmm ... but you are correctomundo ... why can't the third chimpanzee be more bonobo like and resolve conflict through acts of love?
guerillas: graeme's uberchristian pudsmacking senator is frickin' hard to take any more seriously than a frickin' balloon phallus -- dat's for sure ---
cherokee booger dancing!!! need to hear more about that ... do you have one of those diagrams that shows the footwork or any other work involved innit? wish I could talk to the marmosets ... way cool ... now the last part of the comment puts me in mind of dis: Richard "Dick" Cheney is a pudfersher ... among the commands he is apparently unable to follow from his commander in chief: "Stand up erect Dick"
kathy: I'm with you -- the L.B. image at the end of the post literally makes me scream and place the palms of both hands alongside my frickin' face ...
jublu: maybe we should ask our 'ticians' for a constitutional amendment banning clown-made balloon animals within 1000 feet of a school -- I think that would make more sense than some of the recently proposed constitutional amendments .... please, for the luvamike, keep your kids safe from klowns ... patikularly those that cannot control their balloon animal making impulses in the presence of minors -- rory feelz that children should no more be left alone with a clown than with a priest --
dk: I think that there are schools of clown balloon "artistry" -- the realist school seems to go for ballon depiction of the nutsack along with the happy stick --
roger that graeme--I took it that way but thanks for the clarification ... and by the way I you summarized the stupidity of the dude's position most perfectly ... "keeping kids safe by not letting adults jerk off to porn ..." however, one in awhile I find myself, despite my freethinkin' leanings agreeing in part with the fuckwads ... rory's battling with the clown demons trying not to fully agree with conrad on the banning of depictions of clown-made balloon genitalia on the internet ...
sumo -- frickin' A ... a balloon dong actually appears more realistic in some ways than her frickin' facial expression ... or lack thereof ... I think one of the things that I find frightening about LB is the clown-like, unreadable, unnatural, facial mask that she wears ... she is rather clown-like in that respect
excuse the frickin' typos ... but rory was like "spontaneous" with that last one ... oh frickin' well, as my mentor Earnest Sagegrouse used to frickin' say quite regularly ...
The balloons are okay it's the clowns who scare me, even clowns without balloons. If anyone wants ban clowns they have my vote. Also if anyone wants to ban the new burger king thing, I'm for that too.
I think the most obscene thing about this post was the goddamn picture of Laura Bush. Remove it immediately!
Ban clowns AND balloons.
Rory, here's a link:
http://www.cherokeebyblood.com/religion.htm#D
Scroll wayyyy down.
No dance steps, just good old stompin'.
guerillas thanks for the excellent and informative link ... hope the handful of others who might read this will check it out or have checked it out ...
jeremy ... I'll have to run that past BEPWAC ... I promise to abide by the committees decision on whether to delete LB
Patricia: first they came for the clowns ... rory might support a complete ban on clowing ... or at least clown zones ... no clowing outside the confines of the clown zone ... perhaps clown colonies would be in order ... glenda, graeme might be able to give you the senator's phone number
jublu see response to patricia ... rory would support a complete ban on balloon animals ... balloon animaling seems to attract a bad crowd ... a dangerous, unsavory element ... you can't tell me that the clowning profession, like the priesting profession, doesn't harbor a disproportionate number of pervs ... given that well establishe scientific fact ... should we allow these disguise wearing pervs to inflate outlandishly long multi-colored balloon dongs in the presence of children? rory thinkz not ... we definitely need a frickin' ban on balloon animaling ...
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Rory, you freakin' bastard!!! My retinas are still burning! How dare you. The temerity of some people.
As for the poll, the image at the bottom of the post is the one that caused permanent corneal damage. You'll be hearing from my legal team.
Rory... I love you more than my luggage... but ENOUGH already with the FREAKY DEAKY CLOWNS in your posts! Those things are the scariest fucking creatures on earth... but besides that, I'm not a coffee drinker, but I did ga-shnorky my pink lemonade thru my nose... ya funny bastard :)
Holy shit, the thought of clown colonies is more frightening than anything else either seen or mentioned here. Imagine stumbling upon one. Horror movie material there.
So the question arises, where to store the clowns so that normal people are not infected? Wherever they go, I think Laura Bush will be going with them.
P.S. I love the unique but totally demented expression each clown is sporting. Also, I couldn't help but notice that the clown whose right hand is exploring uncharted territory actually has a flesh-colored "balloon animal" among his pile of inflatable johnsons.
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