Saturday, August 05, 2006

U.S. Air Force to Bomb High Crime Neighborhoods to Establish Buffer Zones

What if the Israeli self-defense methods were used here to battle evildoers AND there were a frickin’ “Truth in Leafleting Law?” rory has learned of a secret plan to use those methods here, a plan hatched by Rear Admiral Chilito Numnutz and approved by Rumbo, which is a Condi-hair away from approval.

Imagine, if ya will, an Amurikin high-crime neighborhood will be leafletted the day before bombing begins. The leaflets blown about the neighborhood by the harbinger, the aerially-detonating propaganda bomb, will read:

“You have 24 hours to vacate. We are not interested in hurting you. We are only interested summarily executing the murderers, thieves, rapists, child molesters, and miscellaneous bad people living within your neighborhoods, using ordinary homes as shelter. We intend to create a buffer zone around a community of safer suburban homes, as there was a recent violent incident in an affluent neighborhood adjacent to yours instigated by a thug from your neighborhood. As a result, we plan to turn your neighborhood into a wasteland, bomb it into rubble, cut off electricity, blow up your local gas stations, and blast apart the roads, bridges, and train tracks in and out, in order to deny bad people a safe haven next to good people. You will have no source of clean water or food if you stay home. However, remember there is always some risk that we will blow you off the remnants of the ruined roads as you try to flee. The Lebanese woman depicted in this photograph near the gutted hulks of fleeing vehicles seems to have trouble comprehending this phenomenon and remains in denial of the beneficial aspects of the Israeli self-defense actions she just witnessed.

We hope this informative leaflet helps you avoid the confusion she experienced. Please understand, you are not our stated target even if we place you in our gunsites and kill you. For example, sometimes it is difficult to tell the difference between evildoers and the people, say, delivering fruit, transporting humanitarian supplies, or just running away in terror from the violent forces of good.

Please understand, relatively hairless apes all look the very similar from the cockpits of aerial death delivery systems. The evildoers themselves foment these unfortunate mistakes, which we regret in advance as tragic, by making efforts to dress and behave like ordinary humans. It's all part their guerilla effort to escape justice. Please, even as you or your loved ones lie bleeding from shrapnel, or masonry fragments imbedded in skin, or perhaps writhe while screaming from white phosphorus or gasoline burns, keep in mind that criminals and terrorists are our intended targets, not you or your loved ones. Thus your pain does not bother our conscience in the least. You see, there is a moral difference between the bad things evildoers do and the much more widespread and hideous destruction we wreak. For example, this scene elicits no pangs of remorse because the Lebanese child shown here died for the stated purpose of preventing terrorists from violently killing:

Yes, there is a moral difference when we kill. We state that we have good intentions, for one thing. It is the criminals and terrorists you must blame for the violence we will inflict upon you. You must blame them as well for the children crushed or blown into pieces, the destruction of your humble homes, the loss of all you have, as we destroy your habitat. The criminals have made us into the violent monster that we are. It is really not our fault. We have no choice. We must defend ourselves. We have no control over the fact that for every suspected violent criminal or terrorist that we manage to assassinate extrajudicially we will kill ten times more innocents for whom we cannot even fabricate a scintilla of suspicion. We merely seek to establish a safe zone around our neighborhood. That is our intention. We do not intend to hurt you, although we acknowledge that we inevitibly will. And remember if you had killed or incarcerated the criminals yourself, we wouldn't be forced to destroy your lives now. Thank you for your cooperation as we work together in violence to solve the problem of violence. Oh, and be out by sundown or face certain death. --The Mighty Righteous Ones.”


Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

"Yes, there is a moral difference when we kill. We state that we have good intentions, for one thing. It is the criminals and terrorists you must blame for the violence we will inflict upon you. You must blame them as well for the children crushed or blown into pieces, the destruction of your humble homes, the loss of all you have, as we destroy your habitat."

That sums it up perfectly Rory. Interesting that this type of nonsense comes from the same group that preach "individual responsibility." Fucking hypocrites

3:56 PM  
Blogger cul said...


3:58 PM  
Blogger glenda said...

This is wonderful. A satire of epic sensibility. You nailed it...exactly right.

4:57 PM  
Anonymous Libby said...

You nailed my outrage. When they do it, it's terrorism, when we do it, it's heroism.... it's all so sick.

5:09 PM  
Blogger Peacechick Mary said...

Shish! Keep this quiet or the numbnuts will think this is a good idea. They will not be able to comprehend the moral lesson. Well done, Rory!

5:16 PM  
Anonymous karena said...

Brilliant. I kept thinking, how does the leaflet dropping justify antthing? It's like if the government actaully perpetrated Hurricane Katrina but then claimed they'd dropped leaflets so they were absolved. Okay, bad analogy because it was government actions or lack there of that caused the results in Katrina to be so tragic, but then they claimed, we had distributed CDRoms through the churches in advance to warn the poor and infirm that if a hurricane hit they were on their own. The end result has been the same, but once again the level of "I don't give a shit" by our world leaders has been raised and the folks just accept it.

8:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

rory, i luv u. I even agree with MOST of what you say (not all, no gets all, not even me). And the WAY you say it, well, it's just so outrageously righteous that I appreciate even small parts I don't agree with. But I would like to point out that if those kinds of leaflets are ever dropped in MY neighborhood, I'll be gone before sunset. and no, I don't think dropping leaflets absolves anyone, but you have to be alive to fight back. My bombed property couldn't fight back, but I could. yeah, i know, easier for my middle-class white ass to do than, say the lebanese, but in the context of your post here, that IS what *I* would do. D.K.

10:27 PM  
Blogger sumo said...

Well done...but I've got to share this because it's so funny. I read a comment in an AlterNet article...and this guy said Bush "is as dumb as half a box of milk duds"...and I lump our entire administration into that moniker for what they have wrought upon the middle east. Watch your back...the Moussad (sp) may be scoping you out.

12:34 AM  
Blogger MichaelBains said...


Good analogy Rory. Sickening and apt.

4:09 AM  
Blogger JBlue said...

Rory, you really get people to think about things in a new way. I love your passionate indignation and the way you use humor and irony and satire to make your points. You the man, man.

8:24 AM  
Anonymous abi said...

This is a great idea. And after we eliminate all the drugged-out undesireables (and a few unfortunate bystanders), we can cluster-bomb the neighborhoods where those evil, left-leaning bloggers live, because they do so much to undermine morale and trouble American minds.

Sure we'll take out innocent women and kids as well, but it's their fault if they don't read the damn leaflets.

9:53 AM  
Blogger Rory Shock said...

graeme ... yeah and no child left behind ... hey cul, yeah sad and absurd, hey glenda thanks it is psychotic ain't it? libby, sick indeed actions and words scream in opposite directions more and more, peacechick the only thing keeping this from becoming domestic policy is that we are too short staffed to fully open the home [or any other] front due to the black hole for life and money known as operation clusterfuck in iraq, karena, yep, absolution/pre-confession in the form of a leaflet and poof your death is all YOUR fault 'cause you wuz warned ... your fault if you don't have the means to "heed" it ... that's pretty much the nature of the attitude ... I definitely see a similarity in the blaming of those who don't flee and definitely a similarity in that those without a lot of resources were UNABLE to flee and the hurricane the bombs seem to hit more poor people than rich people ... DK I gotta feelin' that there are plenty of lebanese who are feelin' the same way now, even those who weren't before ... and as to the agree/disagree part ... well shee-it rory don't even completely agree with himself 'bout half the time ... so wtf! sumo: at least milk duds serve a beneficial purpose ... but frickin' A gotta agree ... as to the Moussad (sp?) sounds like a secret police agency operating out of disney world ... but, yep, if rory was a palestinian you can bet there'd be a rocket put through the roof of his car, but then just about everybody on this page would be on that list too ... as suggested by abi's comment ... and btw everyone, I'm not sure why I haven't been to abi's blog in the past, but there are some posts there so thought provoking, with such potential to undermine blind faith in the actions of the SUPER-VIOLENT-MORALLY-SUPREME-TECHNOKILLERS-FOR-DEMOCRACY that I have to question abi's frickin' patriotism and acknowledge that rumbo himself is probably writing a message in the lipstick that he secretly wears on a precision munition as we comment ... michael thanks man and your avatar captures my frickin' true feelings once again ... jublu hfs thanks for the kind words ... rory's heart soars like a happy vulture riding a thermal above a landfill!!! ... such comments coming from the queen of verbal quirkiness, rory feels that he has been knighted, tanks muhlady ...

and so, perhaps there is truth to the crap that erupts from w's gob sometimes about how we don't have to face terrorism at home so long as there is a clusterfuck in iraq sucking military might and dollars down an ever widening drain pipe ... although he isn't providing much in the way of rebuilding packages and humanitarian aid at home, at least he doesn't have enough military hardware to actually implement the Numnutz plan outlined in this post ... Chilito is definitely a dangerous individual, but rory and his staff (fly i.e.) are privy to soon-to-break scandal that will once again embarass the administration ... will it result in Chilito being pulled from Rumbo's inner sanctum? too soon to say ... roger and out good buddies

3:26 PM  
Blogger enigma4ever said...

okay..I will try again..I can not be denied my chance to leave a messege for you...Blogger keeps cutting me off( I Don't know why) Rory you are so friggin' amazing ..we have to get more and more People to Read you- because you are the Real Thing..and you speak the Truth....

6:43 PM  
Blogger Rory Shock said...

ENIGMA!!!! howdy!!!! and thanks ... rory has to work at the truth, but Enigma IS the frickin' truth!!!

7:37 PM  
Blogger Kathy said...

This sends chills down my spine because I believe this could really happen in this country. The problem is they only see one side - their side. What if the "people" got together and said career politicians had 24 hours to vacate their corrupt selves out of the country or suffer the consequences?

2:45 PM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

mr shock, i don't think you COULD have even if you wanted to, hit that nail any cleaner than you did with this posting. wow. wow. and wow again.

i say let's print it on lovely pastel colored paper and toss 'em on the lawn of the white house

2:48 PM  
Blogger Tina said...

Rory Shock: America's Jonathon Swift of 2006......

Don't believe me? Just read Swift's "A Modest Proposal: For Preventing the Children of Poor People in Ireland from Being a Burden to Their Parents or Country, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Public" written in 1729.

Both Swift and Rory are widely believed to be the greatest example of sustained irony in the history of the English language. :)

12:28 AM  
Blogger gugon said...

Excellent, scary, disturbing, brilliant post!

This is satire at is darkest! Rory you are a genius!

1:29 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

Rory where are you?

1:29 PM  

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